Autumn

'Autumn leaves are brown and gold, brown and gold, brown and gold. Autumn leaves are brown and gold- in my garden'.

I have been feeling like there is a little bit of Autumn in my heart. I've avoided age and mortality for years now but all of a sudden, a single significant birthday and it's here, right inside me those brown and gold colours. I'm all of a sudden tired, everyone is always younger than me, wrinkles, becoming invisible. I could go on in the same self obsessed lamenting for hours if you would let me. But... Today in the woods, where I always seem to get an epiphany of sorts, it just clicked. I can't be me without the years. I can't be a wife, a mother to my flame haired rascals, a writer, a person trying hard to discover grace and compassion wherever she goes- I can't be that person without having lived what I have lived. It is a truth so simple and searing that I missed it entirely. I've been a 'someone' to people I have loved and still love. I've written off bad decisions (and bad men) with 'rather it happened that it didn't', I've hurt some people terribly but I have survived it all and I am sure I have always been forgiven. If not in the hearts of everyone I've touched, I know in the heart that ultimately matters. 

I'm still sad to see time spinning by and I'm always willing it to slow for one more 'squeeze cuddle', one more sticky little hand in mine. I'm still buying eye cream for the first time and I'm still lowering the length of my skirts. But there has been so much up until now, and God willing there will be so much more to come. 

Dancing With Fireweed

'When the fireweed turns to cotton summertime is forgotten'.

It's a Canadian saying but I think it works the same here. And despite my best efforts I can see Autumn will be showing itself to me in full force, that I can't ignore, in the next few weeks.

Fireweed is my favourite. It's royal purple blooms tower above me in the summer weeks. The best is yet to come when the cotton appears though- the children grab handfuls and it flys around their fiery red hair like snow flakes in the orange late evening light. We come home with a white downy covering, all the way home sowing the seeds for next summers purple beauties. 

Getting your stride

I was tired on Monday night but I had promised the boy and the dog an evening walk. I had a busy weekend and Mondays are always testing. I just struggled half way round the woods, I was grumpy and really, really wanted to sit down- just for a few minutes. But as I kept going I started to get my stride. Do you know that feeling? When a second wind takes over and your body just moves itself, at a faster pace and you feel ever so slightly revived. My son took my hand we went down his 'secret path' and I really saw the woods again. And in seeing I definitely think the change of seasons is underway. Just look at those snowberries.